It’s getting dark, and she falls to her knees in the middle of the kitchen. Her untouched cold dinner sitting not he table. Her pregnant tummy inhibiting her as she desperately grabs her knees and buries her face so that he can’t see her tears. She is so overcome with emotions – sadness, grief, desperation she struggled to breath, to speak to stand. She is weak and dizzy as the tears stream down her young face. Her breath shallow as she attempt to inhale in between waling.
The simple question “Why?” is spoken softly through her tears to which there is no reply. The only solace coming from the sweet embrace of her 18 month old son.
The footsteps become lighter and she hears the door close and the car and drive away. The sickening feeling in her stomach becomes angrier, overwhelming her completely. She is left sitting on the ground in despair hugging her son so tight, her head pounding from the tears.
She speaks to herself.
“Why? This is my fault. I am not good enough. Too fat. Ugly, boring. I am Broken.
5 months later she is standing in her mums kitchen stirring the Spaghetti Bolognese, watching her son play with his toy cars. The feeling of failure rushing through every cell in her body. “If only I could have been enough for him, I wouldn’t have let my Son down’. She then averts her gaze to her her tummy, and rubs her belly gently. Her little girl is moving around using her organs as a soccer balls, as she did at this time every night. Her mum walks up behind her and give her a warm hug and says, ‘I can’t wait to hold your little girl”. She takes a deep breath and sighs it out and replies to her mum, “I must be a really awful person for someone to do this to me”.
Beep Beep Beep. The sound hospital machines, new born cries and nurses shuffling around fills the air along with sounds of laughter, joy, relief. Her baby girl has been born. She is so beautiful, wrapped in pink with thick black hair and the delicate features of a fine china doll. She stares down at the perfect baby girl wrapped up in her arms sleeping soundly after a long night. As the smell of her fresh baby wafts towards her all the sounds drown out and tears begin to fill her eyes. ‘I’m a failure, how long can I go on pretending I am ok? Why me? Am I that shit of a person?’ Her heart fills with loneliness, anger, resentment.
Since the first day I became a single mothers, I blamed my ex, the father of my two eldest darlings, for the way he made me feel when we were together and when he left me. Blaming him for not making me feel worthy enough for him to stay. I blamed him for walking out on me and leaving me with zero self worth, for making me feel like I was shit and it was all my fault.
The truth is… I have no idea why he left. I have no idea what was going on in his mind, other than he was he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I also know that I didn’t give him a chance to sit with it, to understand what was going on. It was black and white for me. Are you with me? Or without me? He chose the latter and we parted ways. It was all over very quickly. We have never actually spoken about the break up… EVER. Not one conversation about it. We both just swept it under the rug and got to business co -parenting our children, which for the most part has been fairly easy.
My change in perception
The path of the Mystic is not always easy… A year ago I had a very soul shaking realisation… my ego was not impressed and I resisted the fuck out of it. I was a victim to my break up and my ex…. Gulp. I Blamed him for ‘making me feel unworthy’. I measure my worth against how he did or didn’t treat me. What he did or didn’t think of me. I allowed him to measure my worth.
Of course I now know and accept that I allowed myself to feel unworthy. I allowed myself to feel unattractive, unsexy, fat, not good enough, not fun enough. Yeah. It was me all along, but fuck it was much easier when I could blame someone else for my pain.
What a liberating experience to realised and embrace the truth that I was indeed the beholder of my self worth. AMEN!
Can you now see why and how you do not own your worthiness? Can you see how you have allowed external factors measure it for you? Phew. What a relief that you have the power to define your own Self worth.
“You either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness”.
As a collective, we have been conditioned by society to rely on external validations to be a measurement of our worth. By conditioned I mean we have been taught to accept particular behaviours from others, how to behave to be like and accepted, to judge others for their choices, to follow to crowd and so on. This conditioning flows on with the garden metaphor, the noxious weeds are our conditioning. Our families have planted seeds in our gardens that were planted in theirs, and what was planted in their gardens was planted in their parents gardens and so on. This is the same for the cultural conditioning.
So of course when this validation is not received we feel unworthy and not good enough. Unworthiness is the most common subconscious belief I see in my clients.
“Students laugh like I made a joke when I ask, “What would happen if you met your friends for dinner and said “I feel so beautiful today?”, “Really, what would happen?” I insist. “No one would do that” they tell me.
“But… how often would someone meet friends for dinner and say “I feel so fat today?” “All the time they say”. All the time. Women have cultural permission to criticise ourselves, but we are punished if we praise ourselves, if we dare to say the we like ourselves the way we are”
The above quote is taken from Emily Nagoski’s book, Come as you are, and it made me giggle. It is 100% true. When have you ever told your friends that you look amazing, pretty, attractive, sexy? How have you perceived friends that have told you the same?
How many times have you been told not to sprook about your wins? Be excited, but not too excited.
This all comes from the same place of ‘Dull your light as to not outshine others’. We are subconsciously programmed to do just this.
This of course applies to all areas, the way we look, our financial status, academic achievements, who you know, your possessions like the type of car you drive, or the size of the diamond on our finger… if you even have a diamond on your finger. We have given others the power to determine our worth for us and until we take back that power you will not own your self worthiness.
As we search for approval and validation from others we dress to impress, we can do things that we usually wouldn’t do, say things we wouldn’t ordinarily say.
Have you ever exaggerated a story to sound better? Have you done the opposite and under exaggerated a story so that others would not judge you. Do you hide things from your peers because you fear they will judge you for? Like your secret love of crocheting?
Sure we can blame the tabloid magazines, Hollywood and social media if we want to but do we want to play the victim or are we ready to take responsibly for our own self worth?
Ready and Willing to be the beholder of your Self Worth?